Warning: This is the grossest post I’ve ever done.
Seriously.
I’m not kidding.
Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I am so disgusted with my body right now that I can hardly find words to describe it. But I’m going to try. You see, I have hemorrhoids. It’s one of the many charming side effects of Celiac disease. They’ve been getting worse over the past couple of months. If you are one of the luckiest people in the world and have never have hemorrhoids, let me explain them to you. They make you feel like you’re shitting broken glass and make you bleed from the anus. Lovely, aren’t they? Anyhow, yesterday I was pooping while trying not to claw my eyes out scream in pain. After I was done, I went to wipe and felt something akin to a slug oozing out of my ass. Oh my god…IT WAS A HEMORRHOID!!!!!!!!!!! Let that sink in for a minute. This can’t be good, right?
Wait. It gets better.
How do I put this delicately? Oh, I can’t. I had to manually shove it back into place. Do you have any idea how disgusting and painful that process is? I do. I think I even threw up a little in the back of my throat. If you have a morbid curiosity about how this happens, you’re dented, but here’s a link to WebMD’s hemorrhoid article.
Wait. It gets better.
Last night, I had to work at the bookstore. Halfway though my shift, I went to the bathroom. Guess what? Floyd the ‘roid was trying to make another run for the border. Okay, yes, I named him. Anything that ambitious deserves a name. I had to once again replace him, only this time using 1/4 ply tissue paper in a public restroom. I gagged again.
Wait. It gets better.
When I got back, one of my coworkers asked me why I was walking funny. I was in no mood to lie. She swore she never gets grossed out. I grossed her out. Even worse? One of my managers and another coworker walked by and overheard us. I had to tell them the story too. They were fascinated. Then again, they are guys, so I guess that’s to be expected. They told me they were going to get me a card and a bouquet of broccoli. Then they told everyone else my story. Now half of my coworkers know all the gory details of Floyd. I’m sure the rest will know by the end of today. Yes, my life is just that good.
I almost spewed soda on “Floyd the ‘roid trying to make another run for the border.” LMAO.
But I feel your pain. Really. I’ve been there.